Ambivalence
by aki.ari
Summary: Their relationship has always been complicated, stuck between their clashing personalities and their need to protect. But to protect something, sacrifices must be made. Yullen
1. Ambivalence

**Ambivalence **

"Kanda, your mission is to meet Allen in Germany and bring him back to the order," Komui's voice sounded through the black golem.

"What the fuck kind of messed up mission is that? The brat can take care of himself, and if he can't that's not my problem," Kanda was angry. He didn't want to do anything for or with the damn martyring brat.

"Kanda, it is important so I need you to be the one to bring him back because I know you won't fail," Komui said.

"What the hell is so damn important?" Kanda growled.

"He had a run in with the Noah and sent Lenalee back with the innocence but we haven't heard from him since and it's been three days," Komui said.

"Che," Kanda grunted. "When does the train leave?"

"In an hour," Komui said. No sooner had he said that, Kanda had disconnected. 'Damn Moyashi,' Kanda thought as he changed course to the train station.

Kanda wasn't exactly a pleasant person but he always did his missions to perfection – he would normally have never argued with his supervisor, a mission was a mission no matter what it stipulated. However he and Allen had gotten into a bit of a tiff before they had left on their respective missions. Their bantering wasn't uncommon – far from – it had become almost second nature for them to bicker whenever they were together. Kanda tried to convince himself that he didn't care but he did and he couldn't bear to look at Allen after the senseless comment he had made.

Kanda had always yelled at Allen to shut up and to leave him alone but the truth is he had grown fond of their bickering. Allen was a refreshing challenge; the boy was so spirited, didn't fear Kanda and was more than happy to meet the male head on without any qualms.

It had been a regular day, by all definitions of the word and their argument had started out much like it always did, Allen complaining about being called _Moyashi_ and Kanda telling him what an idiot he was. The argument had quickly escalated and Kanda had snapped something at Allen which had effectively shut up the young male. The silence was less pleasing than Kanda had thought it would be and found only guilt playing upon him, but he had been too proud to apologize.

The silence was heavy and rife with resentment; Allen had completely shut him out. It was unnerving for Kanda to see the pale boy so apathetic when in his presence, emotion showing only in his cloudy silver eyes, the emotion being self-loathing, something he didn't think Allen was capable of feeling. Sure Allen would sacrifice himself to save the nearest fool but he'd never expressed any sort of hatred towards anyone not even Kanda who had often professed his hatred and annoyance with the boy. The Japanese male really didn't want to see that blank expression on Allen's face especially when he had been the cause of it.

xXx

"And then the master slaughtered the lamb as a sacrifice to appease his _merciful _God," a giggle resounded through the clearing as blood fell, plip plop, into puddles below Allen's hanging body. Pale arms were pinned through the wrist by spiraled purple and pink candles suspended from a makeshift cross. Chrome eyes were hollow, staring blankly ahead.

Tyki was standing off to the side watching the spectacle with a sadistic grin upon his face.

"Aren't you going to tell him the rest of the story Road?" Tyki asked causing Road's grin to widen.

"And the sacrifice was for nothing because God still smites the master, condemning him to hell," Road said. "Now that's the epitome of mercy," the sarcasm dripping from her words like molasses, slow and torturous.

"You should just give in Allen. It would be so much easier if you just gave up playing savior and came with us. You're so cute it'd be a shame to kill you," Tyki caressed Allen's cheek as he leaned in closer. "Again." the whispered breath rolled over Allen's ear seductively.

"Tyki, he's mine," Road pouted. "You played with him last time and you almost broke him."

"Kill me, because you're just wasting your time," Allen coughed, blood spattering against Tyki's shirt.

"Hmmm, you think death is so easy? You are a sinner and you're going to hell," Tyki said.

"You don't think I know that," Allen's voice cracked as teary silver eyes glared into the molten golden eyes of the Pleasure of Noah. Silence and a devious smirk was all that met the distraught boy.

"The little lost lamb has no faith and yet he fights against us. What a revelation," Tyki smirked. "It's time to go Road, you've had enough fun for today, he'll come to us soon."

"Aw Tyki you're no fun," Road smiled as she pressed her lips to Allen's bloody and bruised ones. "I'll come back for you another time and we can have more fun."

Allen was left alone upon the crude crucifix bleeding, crying and praying to a god that had long since abandoned him – praying for salvation even when he knew it would never come.

xXx

"Walker!" the finder exclaimed in shock as he happened upon the pale boy, carefully removing him from the binds. Allen opened his mouth as if to speak but found he hadn't the energy nor the coherence to force sound past his lips. The finder gave a piteous look to the pale boy before maneuvering Allen onto his back, carefully rushing the boy to the hospital.

xXx

Kanda had reached his bidden destination, a scowl upon his features as he knocked on the door to a small hut. Inside sat the finder who had accompanied Allen and Lenalee on the mission, heating water in the fireplace.

"Is he here?" Kanda asked startling the finder.

"He isn't doing so well, I don't think he-" Kanda silenced the finder with a cold glare.

"I didn't ask about his condition," Kanda said, voice clipped with an air of superiority.

"My apologies, he's right through that door," the finder said gesturing to the wooden door to the left of where Kanda stood.

Kanda walked into the room to see Allen, a blank expression on his face as he stared up at the ceiling.

"Oi Baka Moyashi," Kanda called. Allen's blank silver gaze slowly turned to meet him, staring into deep cobalt eyes.

"Ka…n…da," Allen breathed softly as if registering the fact that the male was in the room was a difficulty in itself. A small smile graced his deadened features as he slowly pulled himself into a sitting position, wincing as pressure was placed upon his wrists.

Kanda stared, appraising the boy in his seated position, pained expression replaced with one of indifference. Allen's wrists were bandaged as well as his torso. Kanda watched, eyes widening as blood began to blossom on the white bandages across Allen's stomach. Noticing the expression on the older male's face Allen glanced down at his abdomen, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"I'm fine really," Allen said cocking his head to the side cutely, "there's absolutely nothing to worry about." Kanda stared in a mild stupor before his eyes narrowed, hardening in anger.

"What the fuck do you mean it's nothing?" Kanda asked angrily. "You fucking little moron what the hell did you do this time that your wound won't even close. It's been what seven days? A whole fucking week?"

Allen turned his head to the side, not wanting to face the other male, not willing to show his weakness. After all he admired Kanda and knowing that the male thought he was pathetic and completely useless was too much. He had no place in this world if not for fighting alongside those at the Order, if not there, where would Allen be left? He already felt the pressure of the fourteenth weighing down on him and he was seriously loosing his grip on reality.

Allen knew this being was in him but there was nothing he could do. He didn't want this, hell if he'd have asked for some other presence to be implanted in him so that one day it would take over and kill everyone he held dear.

Everyone had been shocked at first, denying it; how could their Destroyer of Time be the very thing the fight every day? Despite their kind gestures and reassuring words they couldn't help but treat him differently, the smiles were still there but they were forced and they were empty and cold.

Allen didn't want Kanda to see the look of utter hatred he felt for himself for being this vile and despicable creature. Pained, cold and fearful Allen didn't realize but tears began to well up in his eyes, a dull grey sheen across them. His porcelain features were painted with an underlying grief as his infantile face bore the faded innocence of something broken and disowned. Kanda stared in silence, unsure of how to react, unsure of how to approach the boy or if he should at all. Deciding it wasn't his problem he turned on his heel.

"Che," Kanda mumbled as he exited the room leaving Allen to his isolation. Not too long later the finder ran into the room with a fresh set of bandages and a bowl of water to tend to Allen's wound.

xXx

"He's ready to go," the finder said as he emerged from the small room an empty bowl in hand, "or at least he says so. You should keep any eye out for him." It had been two days since Kanda had arrived and apparently Allen deemed himself ready to travel, despite much protests from the finder and the town doctor who'd come to check on him.

"I don't give a damn about the Moyashi," Kanda snapped, the male cringing at the tone, "he is too troublesome for his own good."

"I'm really sorry it took so long," Allen said as he came out from the bedroom. Guilt played on Kanda's thoughts as he took in the sickly pale complexion and the weak disposition of the boy before him. It was clear to all that he was in no condition to travel and probably wouldn't be for several more days but then again Allen's reckless stupidity was epic, rivaling that of his stubbornness.

"His wound won't close properly," the finder whispered to Kanda before shuffling off to settle their debts to the inn. If Kanda had been anyone else he'd have ordered Allen back into bed, scolding him for even thinking of getting out of bed, but torn between anger, frustration and the damnably annoying attitude of the younger boy, the Japanese male scowled and turned to the door.

"You better not slow me down," Kanda said, cobalt eyes hardening in further annoyance. He didn't need to look at Allen to know that he was smiling in response as he followed the navy haired male out of the small inn – he was always smiling.

xXx

'Of all the bad luck it just had to start snowing,' Kanda thought, cobalt eyes hardening into a steely glare at the cold white precipitate that clung off the landscape and himself. They had been walking for quite awhile; the small town they were in was unfortunate enough to not have a train passing through it that they could get on and had to travel to the town that lay just beyond the frozen lake.

Every couple of minutes Kanda would glance back to make sure Allen was still with him. Head down, face flushed and panting the smaller boy didn't complain as he rushed to keep up with Kanda. 'Baka,' Kanda thought slowing his pace ever the slightest – barely noticeable. Sure enough, however, Allen smiled his thanks at the reduced speed.

A few minutes later, when the two had crossed approximately half the lake Allen's cursed eye whirred into activation as it scanned the area.

"Kanda, akuma!" Allen called as a hoard of the machine like creatures descended upon them. 'Just what I fucking needed; the brat better hold his own,' Kanda thought as he drew Mugen and invoked.

The two fought off the level two and three akuma until they were once again alone. Panting and exhausted from the fight Allen had managed not to acquire any new injuries, though his wound had reopened. Lucky for him it was hidden by his black coat, only the drops of blood on the snow being any indication that there was something wrong.

Just as the two assumed they were safe, Allen's eye reactivated and he flung himself at Kanda, pushing the male to the side and out of the way as an akuma broke through the ice. A large metal hand wrapped around the pale boy in a strangling hold as Allen was yanked down into the frigid water.

"Shit!" Kanda growled as he pulled himself up, cobalt eyes scanning across the ice and into the dark water for any sign of the boy.

A little over a minute passed before Allen broke through the sheet of ice that coated the lake, a couple of yards away from where he had been pulled under. His innocence had deactivated, having no energy left to sustain it, and he was scrambling to keep himself from slipping back into the murky depths. Kanda was at his side in seconds as he pulled Allen out of the water.

"You fucking idiot! What were you thinking?" Kanda asked, voice condescending even with the underlying worry.

"S-s-s-s-sorry," Allen stuttered as his body was wracked with shivers. Allen's white hair had matted to his head and with the cold air had begun to freeze, lips turning blue as his body temperature continued to drop. It was obvious to Kanda that the boy was trying to seem strong and suppress the trembling of his body, but what caught his immediate attention were the two arms clenched over the now profusely bleeding stomach of the cursed exorcist.

'Damn it,' Kanda thought as he ripped a strip of cloth from his coat and secured it tightly around Allen's wound before urging the boy to stand.

"Come on we're going now," Kanda said pulling Allen up and dragging him along. Allen's vision swam as he struggled to fight back the dizziness and the inviting unconsciousness of the cold seeping into every fiber of his being. Silver eyes followed Kanda's blurry foot falls while stumbling in his attempts to keep up with the swift and careful strides of the older male.

'I have to get him inside quickly or the brat may actually die…his damn wound even reopened,' Kanda thought, worry and irritation causing him to disregard what his hasty pace was doing to the poor boy.

With vision faded to black and body no longer heeding his commands Allen's hand slipped from Kanda's as he collapsed into the snow. Spinning abruptly at the loss of the frozen appendage, cobalt eyes widened a fraction as the male scooped Allen up in his arms without hesitation and began to run.

"Oi Moyashi, wake up," Kanda coaxed as he closed the stretch to the town. "You better not die on me; I refuse to take the blame for your stupidity." Kanda sighed at his own words, knowing that he was actually angry he hadn't been the one to protect Allen and it had been the smaller injured boy to push him out of the way. Damning everything Kanda burst into the first building in the town, which happened to be a small inn.

"Room now!" Kanda snapped as he shot a glare towards the lady behind the counter before ascending the stairs. The woman was startled but heeded the order as she rushed to open a vacant room for the impatient man, glancing piteously at the boy trembling in his arms.

"Shall I call the doctor for you?" she asked only for Kanda to grunt in annoyance and slam the door closed. 'The fucking doctors can't do anything for him, they hadn't even been able to get his wound to heal,' Kanda thought bitterly as he stripped off the boy's soaked clothing and toweled him off before laying him on the bed.

The room was simple, containing only a bed a dresser and a small side room with a toilet and sink. Kanda heaved a sigh before shrugging off his coat and crawling in next to Allen, pulling up the covers around them. A shudder went down the older male's spine as he pulled Allen flush against him.

Had Kanda been any one else he'd not have any control over his body and the hormones that were swirling heat within him. The strange and unfamiliar emotions brewing within him gave rise to unneeded complications. Though quite cluttered, the most prominent thing running though Kanda's mind was that he hoped Allen would warm up soon. The older male absentmindedly began rubbing soothing circles on Allen's back as the boy curled into his warmth.

_What does a little brat like you know of sacrifice? Always smiling and laughing amidst a war as if nothing is wrong. You can't fucking save anyone and yet you smile that sickening joy of yours. So damn useless._

'I was really out of line,' Kanda berated himself as his grip subconsciously tightened around the boy. 'How do I even apologize for something like that?'

"Nngh," Allen groaned softly beside Kanda as a shiver ran through him.

"You awake?" Kanda asked looking down to see cloudy half opened eyes. Delicate white brows knitted together as the boy tried to make sense of his surroundings. Seemingly unable to focus Allen nuzzled into the crook of Kanda's neck, leeching warmth from the male and falling back asleep to the steady pulsing of the male's heart.

A small smile drew up the corners of Kanda's mouth as his eyes softened. 'He really is just a kid,' Kanda thought as he rested his chin atop Allen's head, allowing his eyes to close.

xXx

"Kanda," Allen whispered softly as he woke to the male's warmth. Cobalt eyes opened to meet silver.

"You still cold?" Kanda asked blinking the sleep from his eyes. Allen shook his head, expression solemn.

"I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you," Allen whispered as he averted his eyes.

"Baka," Kanda said a hand reaching up to rest in the soft white locks of Allen's hair, "you shouldn't be so reckless." The tone was soft – unnatural coming from Kanda – and Allen vaguely wondered if he was dead or dreaming or a combination of both.

"Are you real?" Allen asked, large pools of silver turning back to Kanda in hopeful questioning.

"Of course I'm real baka Moyashi," Kanda said almost wanting to laugh at the childish nature of the query coming from the boy before him.

"You…what you did for me…thank you," Allen said as a pale pink dusted his cheeks, giving it a healthier glow as he became acutely aware of the specifics of the situation.

"If I let you die Lenalee would have killed me," Kanda said ruffling Allen's hair in an affectionate gesture Allen didn't know was possible coming from the stoic samurai.

"Thanks just the same," Allen smiled as another shiver ran through him.

"Che, baka," Kanda murmured.

xXx

"Can you walk?" Kanda asked seriously. Allen thought about it wondering if he could manage without keeling over and heaved a frustrated sigh as he shook his head. His whole body felt heavy and drained of energy, the wound on his torso only adding to his misery. "Will you let me help you?" Silver eyes widened in disbelief at what he had heard.

After a moment Allen nodded, wondering when and why Kanda had become so gentle. Kanda slid one arm behind Allen's shoulder and the other under his knees, lifting him up easily. Instinctively Allen's arms settled around his neck as the Japanese male carried him down to the bath the hostess had prepared. Allen whimpered as the sheets were dropped and he was lowered into the steaming water. Kanda shushed him, handing the boy a bar of soap and a wash cloth.

"Clean up, especially around that wound. I'll be back in a few minutes," Kanda said before leaving the room. Allen slowly began to do as he had been bidden, carefully washing away the dried blood that had caked his skin and the cold sweat, from his mild fever. The steam raised in misty tendrils, licking at his face as Allen gasped, a wave of nausea washing over him. In his lightheaded stupor his head lolled back against the edge of the tub, breathing slowly evening out.

"Alright?" Kanda asked as he entered the room with a small bundle of clothes and a towel in his arms. Allen nodded weakly as a smile spread across his tired features.

Lifting Allen out of the tub, Kanda rubbed him down with the towel before helping Allen dress in the clothes he had brought.

"The lady who runs this inn, gave them to me," Kanda said in explanation to the questioning in Allen's eyes.

Once again sweeping Allen up in his arms, Kanda made his way back to the room where he proceeded to treat and bandage the troublesome wound on the boy's stomach.

"Kanda why are you-" Allen was cut off by a sharp glare from the male. If there was anything Kanda didn't want at the moment, it was Allen thinking him to be his savior.

"My mission is to bring you back," Kanda said stiffly not wanting to get into his personal conflictions. Allen fell into silence again as he turned away from the male feeling a pressure in his mind, feelings writhing within him that were bending his own.

"I may be useless but I would have made it back on my own," Allen smiled after a few minutes of soaking in his thoughts, the hostility in the sardonic tone amplified by his confusion.

"Stop it," Kanda growled.

"Stop what exactly?" Allen asked.

"Stop putting up a front like that," Kanda snapped. "It pisses me off."

"My apologies, but I thought my very existence pissed you off," Allen said chocking on the words that bit through his mind – words he didn't mean to speak. "I wasn't aware that specific things made you more irritable and prone to hatred than others."

'What the heck is wrong with me?' Allen thought, feeling the devious hollowed eyes of the fourteenth grinning at him from the lone mirror above the dresser. Cobalt eyes hardened with anger but studied the flustered look in silver pools wondering why the boy seemed so conflicted.

"About what I said before," Kanda paused, "you're not completely useless." Allen's expression darkened in response, brows furrowing contemptuously.

"Don't patronize me," Allen hissed. Kanda was taken a back by the boy's attitude but met the glare from the frosted over silver eyes with his own steely cobalt ones.

"What part of that was patronizing brat?" Kanda asked. "I was trying to apologize. God knows why!"

"Don't go doing me any favors," Allen snapped harshly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kanda asked.

"Maybe I'm sick of your shit," Allen said. "Fucking yanking me back and forth. You claim to hate me so don't play nice now. I don't need your damn pity."

"What are you going on about?" Kanda's brows had furrowed in confusion. Allen was always polite despite whatever he was thinking yet here he was, acidic words biting past dust pink lips and infantile face contorted in anger. 'This isn't the same brat who was thanking me earlier,' Kanda thought trying to comprehend what was happening.

'These words aren't mine,' Allen thought in dismay, as brash words fell from his unwilling lips.

"I'm bloody sure that you don't give a fuck if I die, so do yourself a favor and quit saving me!" Allen yelled. A sound of flesh hitting flesh broke the tension in the room. A pale hand tentatively touched the angry red marks forming on his cheek and a smile split his features.

"Don't think so highly of yourself. If I wanted you dead I wouldn't have bothered to do anything," Kanda said. "Orders be damned," he added with a growl.

"So what is it Kanda?" Allen asked, "you like me?" Silence stretched taught over the two, the smile still in place on Allen's features.

"As if anyone could like a fucking mental case like you," Kanda snapped, hands clenched into fists at his sides. 'To hell with being sorry, this brat is so asking for it,' Kanda thought his rage radiating off him in a dark aura.

"Oh yes indeed, then again you should know," Allen grinned, though his eyes were a well of sorrow and fear behind the cold sheen. Silver eyes looked passed Kanda to the only mirror in the room, catching sight of the shadow, its grin uncharacteristically large and pleased beyond compare.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Kanda asked, voice dropping an octave.

"You're the Order's resident bitch aren't you?" Allen asked, voice dripping with acid.

"Excuse me?" Kanda's knuckles had turned white with the force of his grip.

"We're made for each other," Allen smirked, "volatile to the point of combustion." Silence once again settled over the two before Allen groaned hands holding his head as if in pain.

"What you said before hurt," Allen said tilting his head, "not because it was true, I already knew it was true. But because _you_ said it."

"Moyashi you…" Kanda was at a loss for words, Allen had snapped, plain and simple; there was no other explanation for this behavior.

"I love you Kanda," Allen whispered as he leaned closer to the Japanese male. "I'm painfully addicted to you." That was it, the extent of Kanda's rational thought pattern. Standing abruptly the male stalked out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Allen let out a yell of frustration as soon as the older male was gone, forcing himself from the bed only to fall in the process.

"Get the fuck out of my head and quit screwing with me!" Allen snapped as he dragged himself to the mirror, punching the grinning face only he could see. Fractured glass rained down around the pale boy as Allen curled himself into a ball, retching blood at the distorted shadow smiling up at him.

'How am I going to explain that?' Allen wondered as his body was wracked with tremors.

"Allen, look at you," Road's sickeningly sadistic voice crooned from the window, "all broken and alone."

"Go away!" Allen said eyes clenched shut in hope that the Noah was just a figment of his delusions.

"So mean, and after I came all this way to visit you," Road shook her head as she stepped into the room. "Let's see how you're healing up."

"Don't come any closer!" Allen said as he dragged himself back against the wall under the dresser, hands scraping against the glass fragments.

"You are a pathetic sight if ever there was one," Road laughed as she lit the room with her spiral candles. "Crawling around on the floor and fighting against who you are. It doesn't have to be like this you know. If you come with me it won't hurt anymore." Road bent down, looking under the dresser at the cowering boy that Allen had become, her fingers lazily tracing Allen's scar.

"Don't touch me!" Allen snapped as he wrenched away from her, only to hit his head on the wood, sending the flimsy furnishing to the ground.

"Moyashi what the fuck are you-" Kanda cut himself off as he burst through the door scowling. He'd not known how to deal with Allen at the time and had decided to calm down in the lobby downstairs but the crashing and thuds he heard called him back to the room.

Kanda drew Mugen and stepped in front of Allen protectively, ready to fight should the Noah of Dreams instigate it.

"Aw you're no fun," Road pouted. "I'll see you around Allen, when you're alone." That being said, the girl was gone through the window.

"Before you start shouting let me explain," Allen said as he pulled his knees to his chest.

"I wasn't going to start shouting baka Moyashi," Kanda sighed as he realized from Allen's light tone he was back to his senses. "Are you alright now?"

"I'm sorry…what I said…" Allen looked down at his scraped hands and then to the fragments of glass with the grinning shadow.

"You weren't yourself," Kanda said, "now let me see your hands." Kanda pulled Allen up, brushing aside the glass to sit in front of him, inspecting the bloody knuckles and palms. 'This wasn't because of the Noah, he hit the glass purposely' Kanda thought as he wiped at the blood on the pale knuckles of Allen's right hand.

"You have any idea why that thing came to see you?" Kanda asked.

"Because of what I am, they want me to go with them," Allen said, silver eyes shinning with self-loathing.

"Because you're the fourteenth," Kanda clarified, as he followed the expression in Allen's eyes.

"I'm not…he isn't me…damn it," Allen buried his face in his hands to hide the tears that were building in silver pools. "I'm not that thing, Mana he…even if the memories were imprinted in me I'm myself aren't I?"

"Earlier it was that thing influencing you right?" Kanda asked to which Allen nodded solemnly. "Don't give me that kicked puppy look. You'll keep fighting just like you said back at HQ. Don't let this thing get the better of you Moyashi."

_It will eventually take over Allen's body, hollowing him out until there's nothing left of the Allen we all know and love. Then he'll simply be the fourteenth Noah. We don't know what that means exactly because he was a wild card, betrayed the Earl, but clearly not allied with the Vatican._

_If it comes to that I'll stop him._

"But it wasn't entirely wrong," Allen mumbled, "I don't even know if my thoughts are my own anymore. He bends them and distorts everything I think. I hate myself so much and I had hated you for always seeing through my guises." Allen felt a hand rest upon his head and glanced up through angry tear filled eyes to cobalt ones holding an emotion he couldn't place.

"I'm trying but everyone wants me to be something that I'm not and I don't know how…I keep looking at you because you don't smile at me with the same pity that Lenalee and Lavi and everyone else does," Allen said. "When you told me I was useless it really hit me because I've been telling myself the same thing for years, while at the same time trying to prove myself wrong. I avoided you because you always tell me exactly what I've been trying to deny all my life. You just make everything so irrefutably clear..."

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda mumbled as he pulled the sobbing boy into his arms. "What the heck am I going to do with you? "

"I don't want to go back yet," Allen whimpered as his hands fisted in Kanda's shirt. "Please?"

"Only because you're still healing," Kanda muttered, wanting to slap himself for having developed a soft spot for Allen.

"Thank you," Allen whispered.

"Che, brat." Kanda stroked his fingers through Allen's hair.

xXx

"No it wasn't a lie; more like bent truths," Allen sighed trying to explain the situation. "I couldn't control what I was saying." After Allen had calmed down Kanda had wanted to know whether everything the boy had said was just a bunch of shit. The raging emotions and the unsettling expressions on his face had seriously thrown the Japanese male for a loop. He was immensely curious of whether or not Allen was capable of such furious emotions.

"So everything you said had some basis in truth?" Kanda asked. Allen gave him a weary look wondering what the older male was getting at but nodded just the same.

"So you're addicted to me huh?" Kanda asked smirking at the blush that blossomed across Allen's face.

"That…I…" Allen stuttered, looking away from the intense cobalt gaze.

"Or is that different?" Kanda asked.

"I admire you," Allen blushed. "That's as much of an answer I can offer."

"Baka Moyashi," Kanda muttered, "get some sleep."

xXx

The moon was high in the sky and the snow had layered the town in a thick blanket. Cobalt skimmed across the snowy sheets and the indigo skies speckled with glowing diamond stars. Kanda turned his gaze from the window to the boy asleep at his side. Allen's face was illuminated gently by the rays of misty light, skin taking on an almost translucent appearance in the moonlight.

A calloused hand stroked through the snowy hair, reveling in the silky feel as the boy unconsciously nuzzled into the touch.

"Kanda," Allen mumbled in his sleep as curled closer to the navy haired male.

"Muttering my name in your sleep like that," Kanda's eyes softened, "you really are an idiot."

Kanda didn't know what to do with Allen, the boy seemed so fragile in his arms, as if he'd break if someone were to look at him too harshly. It was an improvement from the mask of happiness that he would hide behind even as he was falling to ruin on the inside, but still this overly honest Allen was as unnerving as the liar, maybe more so. The samurai vaguely wondered how he would fare now that he felt compelled to protect Allen.

He had every intention of letting the boy do whatever the hell he wanted and just stayed off to the side scowling in annoyance – not giving a damn what happened. That plan was shot to hell the moment Kanda pulled Allen from the iced over lake water. The weakness and fear, the bleeding heart of the cursed boy was something Kanda just couldn't ignore – not when the boy was no longer hiding from him.

'Love, affection, compassion,' Kanda thought frowning at the words, 'they don't mean anything to a soldier amidst the throes of war.' In all truth there was no room for such frivolous emotions in battle, yet Allen had expressed something akin to such devout words with regards to Kanda. The older male couldn't begin to comprehend the boy's thought process and simply deemed him a fool.

'There's no way I can return such emotions,' Kanda thought shaking his head, 'especially not for this brat.'

There is a word to describe such blissful self-induced ignorance. It's called denial.

xXx

Morning came round, glistening golden rays illuminating the room and the lithe figure sitting on the drafty floor. Silver eyes narrowed into a glare as they shot hatred towards the mirror fragments littering the floor. Cobalt eyes opened as the navy haired male took in the fact that he was alone on the bed and the smaller boy was staring a deep loathing towards fragmented glass from the dresser's mirror.

"Moyashi, what the heck are you doing?" Kanda asked as he blinked the sleep from his eyes.

"Go back to sleep," Allen mumbled without turning.

"Don't think for one second you are in any position to order me around," Kanda said eyes hardening as he sat up, navy locks falling over his shoulders in a silky caress.

"It was merely a polite suggestion," Allen said, voice lowering to a sultry whisper.

"You should be resting," Kanda said as he turned, feet landing on the floor with a soft creak.

"With you?" Allen asked as he flicked a piece of glass at the wall. 'No not again,' Allen thought shuddering as the words fell from his lips without any provocation.

"That's the idea," Kanda said dully, not getting the implication in the question.

"Is it now?" a smirk twisted the corners of Allen's lips as he turned hazy silver eyes on the Japanese male "In that case shall I rejoin you?" the pale boy crawled over to Kanda, hands rooted on either side of him as he leaned up towards him so their faces were only an inch apart. Cobalt locked with lusty silver as Kanda tried to clear the fluff from his brain. The older male had just woken up and wasn't in too much of a good mood and here Allen was half in his lap, warm breath mingling with his own. 'Little minx is being influenced again,' Kanda frowned.

"Kanda?" Allen prompted as his tongue darted out lazily licking a trail over his lips, silver eyes boring into sapphire saucily. Calloused hands gripped the frail shoulders, shoving the boy away from him hastily. Allen fell to the ground with a thud as he pouted.

"Get a grip," Kanda snapped, feeling only mildly guilty about having pushed the boy so violently. "Fight this Allen."

"Figures the one time you call my name would be in a situation like this," Allen mumbled disappointment in his voice.

"Damn brat, quit fucking with me," Kanda said.

"You want to know why I act like this?" Allen asked with an amused expression painting his delicate features. "You want to know what's going on in my head right now?"

'No please don't,' Allen thought gritting his teeth as his eyes drifted to the mirror where a dangerously malevolent smile stared back at him in distorted fragments.

Kanda's eyes widened a fraction as he waited for Allen to continue. He knew the boy was out of sorts but if he was willing to talk then he may as well listen. He wouldn't admit it but he was curious about the boy's past.

"The very man I loved with everything I was…I turned him into an akuma and killed him, but not before he cursed me," Allen grinned as he pointed to the scar running along the left side of his face. "You want to know the best part?" tremors of mirthless laughter shook the smaller boy.

Kanda stared, carefully gauging Allen's expression. He didn't like the way the pale boy was acting, even if he was under the influence of the presence within him.

"That same man also implanted these memories within me," Allen's voice became solemn, almost bitter. "He never gave a damn about me, but the thing he put into me – I was nothing but convenient." Kanda didn't know how to respond to that. If it had been anyone else the older male would have just scowled – everyone has problems so who gives a damn about a pitiful past – but it was Allen, the brat he had an increasingly odd fixation with.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Allen's eyes dilated as he gripped his head in pain, memories flitting through his mind in a tormenting reel of unending film.

_A…lle…n. you made me into an akuma…Allen! You made me into an akuma! I'll curse you- I'll curse you, Allen!_

_Mana! No, don't do this to Mana! Run…run dad!_

_Allen…I…Love you…please destroy me._

Tears began to stream from glossed over silver eyes as Allen recalled the night Mana died. Kanda stared, a hand raised as if to wipe away the tears only to recoil at the last moment as Allen shook his head trying to shake the thoughts back into the recesses of his mind.

_You had the Fourteenth's memories implanted in you. You're the host necessary for his revival. The reason you knew the player's song and were able to play the piano though you never had before is because it wasn't __**you**__. Those were the Fourteenth's memories._

_I was implanted? When?_

_Probably before he died...His life was hellish after he tried to kill the Earl he and Mana were constantly on the run, engaged in a life or death battle with the Noah. Until you appeared that is. He probably didn't have time to dwell on __**when**__ or __**who**__. When he got a chance he just chose whoever was nearby as his host so he could kill the Earl with his own hands. _

'Whoever was closest…whoever was most convenient...' Allen's thoughts were spiraling deeper into a reckless depression as the recollections vividly raped his mind of all sanity. 'I began to doubt Mana, I couldn't understand what master was telling me,' Allen wrapped his arms around himself in attempts to stop the shivers wracking his body.

_And that's me?_

_You were unlucky…the implanted memories will eventually erode the host and change you into the Fourteenth. There've been signs haven't there?_

_So that's what that was…what the hell…? When Mana said he loved me, did he mean me? Or…which was it…?_

'I broke…Cross and Lavi saw it…an utterly pitiful display of desperation,' Allen thought, 'everything may have been nothing more than a lie...we're both liars.'

_Mana kind of lost it after the Fourteenth died. Who knows whether he even remembered the past or not. At least I couldn't tell…it's ironic. He should have chosen some good-for-nothing as his host._

'When he'd hugged me I was sure the world was ending,' Allen thought feeling the bile rising in his throat, sickened through and through from the memories. Cross showing affection meant that something was truly fucked up. 'Cross of all people was trying to comfort me…it really was the end of the world wasn't it – the world is no longer here…it was just too much of a shock so we haven't realized it yet.'

_What would you do if I told you you'll have to kill someone you love when you become the Fourteenth?_

'Someone I love…' Allen felt a clenching in his heart and bent over at the waist, hoping the compression would ease the pain.

_When I joined the organization I swore to Mana that I'd never stop no matter what, that I'd keep walking until I died. I'm the one who swore!_

'Denial, every word of it…false bloody bravado!' Allen cursed himself for his false confidence – the shining beacon of hope, which in reality, is the flame waiting to devour those who venture too close.

_I don't know how much I've been influenced by the Fourteenth's memories. And honestly I don't really know how to take the news about Mana but I still love him. These feelings come from my heart, from the real me. So I'm going to keep my promise to Mana. That's what I've decided. I don't care about the Fourteenth! I won't let him have this!_

"Look at me now," Allen mumbled. "I can't even begin to back up my words."

"Allen," Kanda called softly as he turned the boy to face him, grief filled silver causing the stoic male's walls to crumble completely.

"Stop fucking with me!" Allen hissed paying no attention to Kanda as he bitterly rejected the Fourteenth. He was all about ready to start beating the crap out of himself just to make all his thought processes just end.

"Baka," Kanda murmured into Allen's ear as his firm arms wrapped around Allen, drawing him close. Engulfed in the older male's protective warmth, Allen turned glazed silver eyes in confusion as Kanda restrained him from hurting himself.

Receiving no response from the older male, save for a chin resting atop his head, Allen's hands found themselves gripping onto Kanda as a life line. 'Don't leave,' Allen thought wondering briefly when he'd come to depend on Kanda to such an extent. Heart rate increasing along with the fluttery feeling flitting amongst the lead weight in his stomach, Allen's eyes fell closed as he tried to block out the pounding of his blood racing through his veins.

_What would you do if I told you you'll have to kill someone you love when you become the Fourteenth? _

"Kanda if I ever snap…if I can't do it anymore…" Allen whispered as he resolved to ask the favor he hadn't ever wanted to ask. Allen didn't look up but he knew Kanda was looking at him, waiting for him to continue. "You have to kill me before anything happens…before I…"

"What are you going on about?" Kanda asked.

"Don't hesitate…it's not me…_he's_ not me," Allen said swallowing the bile in his throat.

"Allen," Kanda said with an unnatural softness to his voice as he tried to coax the boy into explaining.

'I'm always seeking your approval though I didn't know why…you _are _my obsession…I love you Kanda,' Allen thought as heavy tones of dread filled his thoughts, 'and because of this you are in the most danger…don't let me loose my humanity...please don't let me become a monster.'

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I was saying," Allen mumbled shaking his head, a small smile cresting his features. 'I can't tell him that,' pale fingers loosened their death grip on Kanda's shirt as the boy slackened in the embrace. 'It's selfish to hold on to him, I'm only weighing him down.'

When Allen went limp, Kanda feared something may have happened, but said boy seemed to have only calmed down. Kanda was curious about what Allen was getting at, knowing there must be some sort of reason behind Allen's rambling. However, the boy had been unwilling to offer anything further and had probably berated himself for sounding so fearful. He hadn't been worried for himself, of that much Kanda was sure.

xXx

A couple days passed and Allen was feeling much better – if you don't count his mental state – his wound had mostly healed up so they had decided to make their trip back to HQ. Over the two days Allen had tried to maintain a distance between himself and Kanda, if only to dampen the yearning he felt once accepting his inappropriate love for the older male. This task had proven much more difficult than he had initially thought, what with Kanda being close by at all times and being of an unnaturally mellow temperament.

Kanda had resolved not to let the smaller boy alone longer than necessary. Allen had not had another fit since the inn keeper had cleaned up the glass, leaving the room without any reflective material save for the dusty window. Kanda had wondered why Allen seemed so perturbed and sickened when he looked into his reflection but it never occurred to him that there could be something else that Allen was looking at – that there was someone else that was tormenting Allen beyond the glass.

They boarded the train without a problem, the time being passed in silence. It would take three days to make it back to the Order, three long days with nothing to do, save for simmering in conflictions and fears.

'It will never work,' Allen thought as he watched the blurred scenery pass by outside the window. He had been analyzing his situation and had determined that whatever was to happen he would protect Kanda and his _family_. Though hypocritical and wavering in loyalties everyone at the Order had been apart of the life Allen had always wanted – not the never knowing whether or not they'd come home or the life endangering missions – a family that he could return to, a place where he'd be welcome with open arms.

Allen briefly recalled the day everyone had decorated the cafeteria to welcome him. Jerry had outdone himself with the food and Lenalee and Lavi were smiling warmly at the center of it all waiting for him, surrounded by people Allen had fought alongside and had wanted to protect. These people had given him a lust for life that he had long since lost to his sorrows. He had been walking forward not only as a promise to Mana, but at that time he had been genuinely passionate about wanting to give his all for these people. He would die to protect the home they gave him.

Even now, when they were weary of him and the presence within him, when the whispers and glances made his heart heavy, the Order was still the only place he would ever want to be. He still had strong bonds with his friends and they would stand up for him despite their fear or discomfort. At times it seemed like they were trying much too hard, the smiles forced and the laughter brimming with uncertainty.

Kanda never put up a front, but somewhere amidst the fighting and bickering Allen had grown rather fond of the Japanese male. Kanda had secured a place in Allen's heart that wouldn't fall for anything. The love he felt for Kanda was unlike anything he'd ever felt before. In his ponderings Allen had come to the conclusion that Kanda, if no one else, had been proof that he still existed, that his heart and thoughts were still his own. But with the looming shadow just behind his reflection laughing and jeering Allen was seriously loosing his mind.

'I can't stay with them _and_ protect them…I'm the thing that they need to be protected from, Kanda especially,' Allen thought sighing heavily, drawing Kanda's attention in the process.

"Something wrong?" Kanda asked, cobalt eyes studying the expressions that were drifting across the younger male's features.

"No," Allen shook his head smiling.

"You're lying," Kanda bluntly stated.

"What does it matter?" Allen asked shrugging as he tore his gaze away from the reflection in the window.

Kanda said nothing as he moved over to sit beside Allen; the smaller male cocked his head to the side in questioning at the movement but said nothing. In two days Allen had successfully driven himself dizzy with confusion and Kanda could see that. The young samurai was worried that Allen would do something stupid.

Allen knew he couldn't allow the Fourteenth to have him, he had to continue fighting for them, but he also knew that he wouldn't last long. 'What should I do?' Allen wondered with no idea where to seek the answer to his question.

'What is he thinking?' Kanda thought as he cupped Allen's chin, turning the face he held gently to face him. 'Why am I so damn drawn to you?' Kanda wanted Allen to need him and he knew the answer to the question he was plaguing himself with, but being the proud male he was he didn't want to admit Allen had gotten through his defenses and was now one of his priorities.

"What is going through that head of yours?" Kanda asked, noting the light pink, tinting Allen's cheeks.

"The Fourteenth," Allen said, becoming lost in the cobalt depths of Kanda's eyes.

"You're going to drive yourself mad," Kanda muttered.

"Perhaps, but maybe I've already gone mad," Allen mused lightheartedly. To that Kanda couldn't respond as he pulled Allen to lean against him. That's the way they remained, until the train came into he station.

xXx

"Allen! I'm so glad you're alright!" Lenalee cried as she ran over to hug the pale boy.

"I'm sorry I worried you," Allen smiled. "Kanda got me back here in one piece though." Lenalee laughed as she led the way to Komui's office.

"Allen," Komui smiled as the male entered the room, "good work Kanda."

"Che," Kanda leaned against the wall to the side of the door.

"Now Allen, I know you just got back and you're probably still recovering but there's a mission that you have been assigned," Komui said rather solemnly. At this both Lenalee and Kanda's eyes widened. Allen just smiled and nodded.

"What do I have to do and when do I leave?" Allen asked.

"The brat can't go anywhere," Kanda said, "he'd only botch the mission in the state he's in now."

"It's a mission only he can do," Komui said, "it would have been Cross's had he still-"

"I'll do it," Allen said. "Tell me the specifics."

"You can't be serious Allen," Lenalee said.

"Orders are orders," Allen grinned. "I'll be fine." Allen turned to Komui awaiting the mission specifics.

"You are to infiltrate the new ark and determine the status of the Earl's means for akuma production. You are not to engage them in combat, just get in and get out as fast as possible," Komui said noticing the incredulous expressions on both Lenalee's and Kanda's faces.

"How am I to get into the new ark?" Allen asked.

"That's what you're worried about?" Kanda asked stalking over to Allen. "You're not even the slightest bit worried about what the damn mission entails? It's a fucking suicide mission!"

"I'd think of all people you'd understand that one has to follow orders for the good of the entire organization," Allen said with a detached tone. Kanda was silent, eyes narrowing in frustration.

"The higher ups have reviewed your discussion with Cross and your files several times and have determined that you should be able to do just about anything in the ark," Komui said, "you are to open a door to the new ark from this one."

"I don't know how to do that," Allen said brows furrowing momentarily. "Is that really something I can do?"

"In theory," Komui said.

"This mission is active as of when?" Allen asked.

"After you take a trip to the infirmary and the cafeteria," Komui said sighing.

"So basically right now," Allen said to which Komui nodded. "I'll get right on it then," Allen smiled before leaving the room.

"Brother, couldn't you do something?" Lenalee asked.

"I'm sorry," Komui said shaking his head as he watched his sister run out after Allen.

"Let me go with him," Kanda said once they were alone in the room. Komui's eyes widened in shock at Kanda's request; the Japanese male hadn't even wanted to go retrieve Allen from the small German town.

"Why?" Komui asked unable to hold in the question.

"That's not your business," Kanda snapped.

"I won't let you on the mission if you don't give me a reason," Komui said. "This mission will be risky enough if Allen even manages to open a doorway, and you two aren't exactly known for your sparkling friendship."

"He can't go on this mission alone," Kanda growled not wanting to state his need to protect Allen.

"Even so, why you?" Komui asked.

"Because I'll make sure he comes back in one piece," Kanda said.

"The Vatican said this was a mission for Allen alone," Komui said.

"I don't give a damn about that," Kanda said.

"What happened between you two?" Komui asked attributing Kanda's behavior to something that must have happened on the mission they'd just returned from.

"He almost died," Kanda said simply.

"You won't tell me what happened or why it's so important for you to be on this mission with him?" Komui asked. Kanda glared in annoyance not willing to answer such an intuitively obvious question. "And you won't take no for an answer?"

"If you say no, I'll tell Lenalee you're sending Allen on a one way mission," Kanda growled impatiently.

"No! Lenalee!" Komui cried at the thought of his sister being mad at him and never speaking to him again. "Kanda, your mission is to accompany Allen and make sure he comes back home."

Kanda nodded and left the whimpering man alone in the room.

xXx

"You're going with me?" Allen asked in surprise. "Why?"

"Komui wanted to make sure you come back in one piece," Kanda said nonchalantly as he boarded the ark before Allen.

"But what if-" Allen was silenced by a simple glare as he led the way to the piano room.

"I _will _make sure you come back," Kanda said, "this door will be open both ways." Allen felt his heart skip a beat as he took in how serious Kanda was. Sighing Allen walked over to the piano, fingers tracing the keys with an admiration that he knew wasn't his.

'How do I open a door to something that doesn't have a fixed location?' Allen wondered, 'just think about it and wish it into being?'

Kanda waited patiently as he watched Allen's eyes drift to the mirrors stretching along the wall adjacent to the piano. Silver eyes were filled with loathing and questioning. It was as if Allen was asking what he was supposed to do.

Allen's fingers began to dance over the ivory keys gracefully, as if he'd been playing all his life. 'Please open a door to the new ark,' Allen thought as the music floated through the air, filling every corner of the ark with its hauntingly beautiful melody. A glowing door appeared on the far wall, though it did not solidify. The composition became more complex, entrancing Kanda with the image of Allen playing the demon instrument.

"Please," Allen whispered as the song came to a close and the door's glow receded.

"Looks like you did it," Kanda said, observing the door from afar.

"I hope so," Allen sighed as he felt drained for some reason. Without any hesitation Allen made his way to the door and pushed it open.

xXx

When the two stepped through the door, sure enough they had found themselves in a place remarkably similar to the ark they had just been on, but there was no one there. They had expected there to be akuma or skulls wandering around as guards. After searching for hours they determined they were alone in this ark.

"If we can find the piano room I think I'll be able to find out where everything is," Allen said feeling a wave of dizziness course through him. Noticing, Kanda caught Allen from behind to steady him.

"Oi, what's wrong?" Kanda asked.

"Sorry, I just felt dizzy is all. I don't know why," Allen said as the feeling of vertigo passed and he was looking up into two concerned cobalt eyes. Kanda was weary of the situation but continued to follow Allen closely through the maze of rooms and streets that made up the ark. After some more wandering Allen stumbled through a door facing the large black piano that sat in the room.

"Kanda, we're the only ones in here," Allen said after playing a few keys of question. "Something isn't right; shouldn't the Earl be using this place as his base of operations?"

"You're sure there's nothing? Can you find out which doors are open to alternate places?" Kanda asked. Allen shook his head in the negative.

"Should we just go back?" Allen asked.

"Leaving so soon?" Tyki asked as he and Road entered the room through one of the dream doors.

"So much for not engaging in combat," Kanda muttered as he drew Mugen.

"Now, now don't do that," Road said. "How mean would it be to attack someone in their own home."

"As if you haven't done it before," Kanda snapped as the girl burst out in laughter, turning her attention on Allen.

"I knew you would come," Road grinned, "he'll be here soon to see you." Allen cocked a brow in questioning. "Don't give me that look Allen. You know who I'm talking about."

"The Earl," Allen said as he glanced at Tyki.

"That is correct!" Road laughed, "shall we play until he gets here?"

"I'm sick of your games," Allen said remembering the last time they _played._

"Your friend can play too," Tyki said casually as he made to drape his arm around Allen. Kanda was there first though, Mugen pointed menacingly at Tyki's carotid artery. Hardened cobalt eyes glared daggers at the Noah as he placed himself in front of Allen.

"Kanda what are you-" Allen was cut off by a sharp glare shot his way. Delicate white brows furrowed as Allen felt his heart rate speeding up.

"Well that's no fun, share him with us," Road pouted. Kanda scowled in response feeling overly protective of the white haired boy.

"No wonder he doesn't want to come with us," Tyki chuckled. "Kid's got his own lap dog." Allen's cheeks flushed lightly at the statement, but he couldn't help but wonder why exactly Kanda was acting so defensive for him. Allen was more than capable of fending for himself on the battlefield; he'd even received a critical before Kanda had, so the older male should know that he didn't need such protection.

"We have a guest?" the Earl asked grinning as he stepped into the room drawing everyone's attention. "Oh, Allen Walker, it's a pleasure to see you again."

"I wish I could say the same for you," Allen said stepping from behind Kanda, silver eyes narrowed dangerously.

"Tyki, Road, why don't you keep Allen's friend entertained awhile," the Earl said grin broadening, "I need to speak with Walker alone."

"Moyashi don't you even think about it," Kanda snapped as Allen walked towards the portly man with the unearthly demon grin.

"Don't worry, Kanda right?" Road grinned as she got in front of the Japanese male, separating him from Allen who was now standing a foot away from the Earl. Kanda grunted as he swung Mugen at the Dreams of Noah. Road flipped out of the way laughing. "You really should lighten up, it's not like we're going to eat him."

"Moyashi don't fucking ignore me, get your ass back over here!" Kanda commanded only for Allen to shoot him and apologetic smile.

"The kid's cute, but you know, so are you," Tyki said leaning close to Kanda and observing him at a closer range before phasing through the floor to avoid Kanda's aggressive assaults, popping back up to the navy haired male's side. "Don't throw a fit sweetheart. If you're good, we won't have to kill you and you and your pretty boy can die together."

"Tyki, play nice," the Earl said before escorting Allen into another room.

"You've been quite calm so far, but it's probably too much to hope you've decided to join us," the Earl said.

"I'm here to stop you," Allen said.

"You'll soon be unable to do anything, the traitor that's within you will make sure of that," the Earl said. "But that leaves me with a bit of a problem on my hands. You see, Allen, you are a liability to me. The memories that are housed in your body are those of a betrayer whom would very much like to kill me and I him. It's rather unfortunate that I didn't kill you on that night you were cursed. Not only would I have saved myself all this trouble now, but you wouldn't be crying over the man who used you and your dwindling sanity."

"Don't mock me," Allen said stiffly at the Earl's words, berating himself for agreeing that he should have died back then.

"It must be difficult to be living as you are now, with something writhing inside you, slowly hollowing out everything that you are and replacing it with memories that aren't your own," the Earl said. "You have a couple months at best before you cease to exist and all that's left is a demon wearing your face, a demon bent on destruction."

"You mean a demon bent on killing _you,_" Allen said.

"Have you forgotten what your dear master had asked you? It's true you know…you'll kill the one you love when you become the Fourteenth," the Earl said. "You may actually slaughter everyone you consider your friend. The Musician is an ally to no one. He works his own twisted agenda, dancing to his own melody."

"And you're not the same?" Allen asked sardonically.

"I have a side in this war, and I too grieve when one of mine is lost," the Earl said.

"I won't let him have me," Allen said.

"You have no choice," the Earl chuckled. "You haven't had a choice since your _father_ violated you by implanting this in you. Since then you were destined to wither away and give rise to anarchy. For that's what the Musician is. He is chaos in its purest form, writing things into being and disrupting the order of war by playing both sides while at the same time playing none."

"I won't go down so easily," Allen said face twisted into a scowl. "I'll kill you and end this war and-" Allen was cut off by the Earl's boisterous laughter.

"Don't you get it yet? This war will never end, as long as there is grief and desperation in this world there will be birth of akuma. I am just a player in this game, same as you are, though I've been playing for far longer," the Earl said. "You look at me with misplaced hatred my boy. People create akuma; every little girl that burns with sorrow and every young man who looses someone dear create akuma every single day and that is something you cannot stop no matter what you do."

Allen's eyes widened at the revelation. The Earl didn't need the egg, such a thing though seemingly important was actually quite trivial. The egg had been his akuma plant, but no one understood it, what it was or how it worked, they had known that it was the Earl's and it had been well guarded. Even so, there had been nothing to indicate that the egg was the only means for creating akuma, if that were the case then there should be a current shortage of the demonic creatures.

"You are just like all those dark, lost souls Allen," the Earl said. "You've seen man's ugly face and it has scorned you for all your years of life – the pathetic sniveling child who had been abandoned on the streets for his God given deformity."

"Mana he…" Allen stopped himself, unable to continue, for he knew that what would fall from his lips would only be lies – he wasn't able to speak of the clown with any sort of conviction.

"I gave him form but _you_ are the one who bound his spirit to this world Allen," the Earl grinned. "You and every other one of those vile, despicable creatures. Not one of them is anything worth saving. Inside every single one of them is an all encompassing darkness."

"You're wrong!" Allen's silver eyes hardened along with his expression.

"Am I?" the Earl asked, leaning towards Allen as if to tell him a secret. "Take a look around you. Step out of your cage and you'll see it. It's not a secret, it's not hidden, it is in everything you see and everyone you meet, they are all brimming with anguish. You think you're the only one with an ominous cloud hiding behind that smiling face? Always lying, cheating and stealing…you want to make the world a better place? Then you're on the wrong side of the war – saving the things that are the cause of this insanity."

Allen said nothing as he felt his heart clench in sorrow. The Earl took the boy's silence as a sign to continue.

"Even that pretty boy you came here with has darkness in his soul. He will disappoint you, they _all_ will – betrayal is in their nature as much as it is in yours," the Earl said.

"My friends aren't anything like me," Allen growled. "They are nowhere near as tainted as I am." The last part had been muttered as Allen's hands balled into fists at his sides.

"Life is loss and as sure as one is born to die they will suffer and cause others to suffer. You my boy are a prime example of this," the Earl said as he took in the tense form before him. "You say you want to kill me? Then be my guest and try. I guarantee even if by the off chance fate favors you, nothing will change – akuma will rise and the grief will flourish – it never ends. It will never end."

"As long as I exist, I still have a purpose and a promise to fulfill," Allen said, determination sparkling in weathered silver orbs. "A promise that _I _made to my father before he died…whether it ends or not, this is all I can do."

"Your existence is meaningless, you're simply a wrench in the clockworks doing more damage than good," the Earl said. "What is it that you really fight for?"

"Their souls," Allen said eyes locking with the Earl's defiantly.

"Nothing can be gained without sacrifice," the Earl said. "You can't save them all."

"I can try," Allen retorted, innocence itching to invoke and tear the man before him to shreds.

"You'll fail," the Earl said, "even if you could do it, as the prophesized Destroyer of Time, you will undo all the _good_ you've done singlehandedly when you loose yourself. It just takes one little mistake."

Allen was silent as his expression became apathetic. 'Then I won't make that mistake…I've already made too many,' Allen thought.

"What will it be Allen Walker?" the Earl asked his maniacal grin, stretching across the grey tint of his skin. Allen invoked his innocence in response. "What a foolish boy you are."

Allen ran at the Earl to engage him in battle, but the estranged man tipped his hat before floating off by way of his umbrella.

"Until next time Allen Walker," the Earl called whilst chuckling as he disappeared. He had no need to fight with the cursed boy. Allen had understood everything that was said and he wouldn't let the Fourteenth have control over him, thus eliminating the possible hitch in the Earl's plans. The only way to prevent the inevitable is to remove himself entirely from the equation, which is to say: to die.

Growling in frustration Allen turned to return to the piano room. He had wanted to die there, in the line of battle for what he thought was right – to assure himself that he had a stake in his life. It would be selfish to remain at the Order with everyone, knowing that his control was slipping at that he was a threat to them.

Stepping through the door, Allen's silver eyes met cobalt – the room was exactly as he'd left it – Kanda was still in a ready position glaring heatedly at the two Noah who were lounging casually against the piano. The look in Kanda's eyes made Allen's heart race and a chill crawl over his skin. 'Damn he's angry,' Allen thought shuddering as he averted his eyes without a word and made his way to the piano.

Tyki's lips curved up in a smile, stepping to the side for Allen to stand in front of the piano. 'I want to go home,' Allen thought as his fingers danced across the keys, eyes tracing the mirrored walls on the side of the room where the haunting figure smiled.

_But you know you can't._

'Please open a door to the old ark,' Allen thought as he played a delicate melody. Kanda watched as a glowing door appeared next to him. Silver eyes traced the glowing door before heading over and opening it.

Kanda sheathed his sword waiting for Allen to go through the door. 'Home, family, love,' Allen thought as he stared at the shimmering doorway, 'it was nice while it lasted.' Kanda's brows furrowed as he turned Allen to face him.

"Moyashi?" the navy haired male said as he tried to decipher the Allen's expression. Pale hands reached up, cupping Kanda's face gently as Allen leaned forward. Lips brushed against lips, a light and innocent gesture.

"I love you Kanda," Allen whispered before pushing the startled samurai through the doorway. The cursed boy shut the door, eyes glimmering with longing as it vanished into bits of lost code within the ark.

"Aw how cute," Road giggled as she draped herself across Allen. Without a word the white haired boy invoked and stabbed his clawed hand through the Dreams of Noah. Shock painted the features of the female Noah as dark blood stained Allen's innocence. Golden eyes narrowed as a deathly amused grin twisted Tyki's lips.

"So this is how it's going to be?" Tyki asked though he expected no answer as the white haired boy charged at him, Road's body falling to the ground limply behind him.

xXx

"That fucking baka!" Kanda yelled in frustration as he glared at the room in the ark he'd stumbled into. "Moyashi you damn better open that door now!" The Japanese male was pissed off, not to mention confused. He wanted nothing more than to beat some sense into the insufferable brat who'd kissed him. He couldn't even begin to comprehend why Allen had done what he had done.

Storming out of the ark and down to Komui's office Kanda slammed his hands down on the scientist's desk.

"Get the fucking door working again now!" Kanda hissed impatiently.

"Kanda, you're back," Komui said in shock. "Where's Allen?"

"Mission failed," Kanda said stiffly, "now if you don't get me back on the stupid ark right now, I will slice you into unrecognizable pieces!"

"Calm down, what happened?" Komui asked, cringing at the younger male's tone.

"There isn't time for this shit, now open the fucking ark!" Kanda growled, temper flaring dangerously.

"I can't open any doors if they've already been closed, only Allen has any control over th-" Komui was cut of by Kanda knocking over a bunch of files from the desk, papers flying everywhere.

"Find a fucking way!" Kanda snapped.

"Yuu?" Lavi poked his head into the room, wondering what the racket was.

"Lavi, save me Kanda's gone mad," Komui wailed. The glare Kanda shot Lavi's way was like nothing that the bookman's apprentice had ever witnessed. The feral and desperate look in Kanda's eyes was enough to render anyone speechless, not to mention make them piss their pants.

"Kanda, what happened?" Lavi asked in a reserved and professional tone.

"Fucking brat pissed me off is what happened, now somebody better get that door open or else the body count is going to go up," Kanda hissed, hand gripping Mugen tightly for emphasis.

"We can't do that," Lavi said, "only Allen can-"

"That's not what I want to hear," Kanda snapped.

"That's not going to change the facts," Lavi said. "Where is Allen?" Kanda was silent as he bit back a string of curses. Mind reeling with the overwhelming emotions that were running rampant in his mind.

"Kanda, where is Allen?" Lavi asked again, though more urgently.

"Baka's still back on the other ark," Kanda growled vehemently.

xXx

Black and white splotches danced in Allen's tunneling vision as he slumped down onto the piano bench. His innocence was glowing violently and his heart was beating erratically from where Tyki had managed to rupture it – again. Allen coughed, blood spattering the ivory keys before him as he turned to the image in the mirror, no longer smiling and no longer laughing.

A weak smile broke Allen's infantile features as he heard the hollow thudding of footsteps approaching, he didn't need to look to know who it was and he didn't need to ask to know why the man was crying – it was something that simply couldn't be helped.

"You have crossed the line boy," the Earl's voice reached through Allen's foggy mind and triggered the invocation of his innocence. "You couldn't just go back to die like you were supposed to."

"What can I say…I have…too much to protect," Allen muttered through gasps and coughs as he stood, body supported by his innocence as he ran past the broken bodies of the Pleasure and Dreams of Noah. Images of Kanda and all his friends at the order passed through Allen's mind as he felt life slipping away from him.

_In the end you always have to sacrifice something to protect something else._

_End_

* * *

A/N: So yeah, I know everyone probably wants to kill me right now. My plot bunny dragged Allen to his death. Sacrificing himself in order to protect everyone. As it stands you're probably wondering what happened to Kanda after this, don't worry you'll find out soon. I'm writing up an epilogue, which will be of Kanda reflecting on Allen and the events that transpired that day.

I really have a lot of stuff to do for school so I have no idea when I'll be able to post anything new. I'll try to get the epilogue done during the week but I'm not making any promises.

Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


	2. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Dark skies of smoky grey and musty cream colored clouds drizzled and rumbled with thunder. Fresh cut flowers were laid atop the newly packed grave soil. A slight sweet scent cloaked in the stench of rainwater dispersed through the air. Strands of silky navy locks hung from a high set pony tail, framing sharp and serious features.

"Oi Moyashi," Kanda muttered as he crouched in front of the chiseled marble tablet. "You don't know what you've done to me." Kanda's tone was soft holding much less contempt than normal. He remembered everything vividly, from the argument with Komui and Lavi, to the panic surrounding the disappearance of the ark – the gateway simply vanished. Though there was such a hustle about the Order, and even as everyone was drawn away to figure out what had happened, the only thing Kanda had thought about was Allen. Later that day Lulubell had showed up on the doorstep of the Order, Allen's limp body held in her arms.

"_Allen!" Lenalee cried as she ran to the Lust of Noah in a frenzied panic for Allen's well being, "what did you do to him?" _

"_I'm sure it had been his wish to return home," Lulubell said resting the boy on the ground before stepping back from the sobbing girl. _

"_Lenalee, what are you-" Lavi's eye widened before he ran to the girl's side. Kanda instinctively drew Mugen pointing it at the Lust of Noah._

"_He killed the Earl," Lulubell said gesturing to Allen, not perturbed by the sword pointed at her in the least._

"_Allen did what?" Lavi asked incredulously. Cobalt eyes drifted to the body in Lenalee's arms and chocked at the sight, reason flying out the window as he sheathed Mugen and ran to the boy. Allen was deathly pale. Blood staining his skin, making him look worn and battered. _

"_Kanda, he's dead," Lenalee wailed as she hugged Allen's cold body, "Allen's dead." _

"_You're lying," Kanda growled, but he had already noticed the stillness of the body – Allen wasn't breathing._

"You seriously fucked me over," Kanda said as he leaned his head on the grave marker. "To have the damn audacity to kiss me, tell me you love me and then die before I could say anything…" Kanda heaved a sigh as the rain licked his skin.

Nothing was the same after Allen had died and it would never be the same, especially for Kanda. The stoic Japanese male couldn't help but think it was his fault, it had been his mission to bring Allen back and he'd failed that miserably. 'I should have been more attentive. That look on his face…' Kanda thought remembering the silver pools filled with yearning and regret. It had been plaguing his mind since he'd lost sight of Allen through the door in the ark.

"You are just so damn troublesome," Kanda hissed as his hands clenched into fists at his side. "You're annoying, ridiculously naïve and your smile pisses me off."

"_I love you Kanda," Allen whispered before pushing the samurai through the door._

"You're always doing something stupid and you never ask for help," Kanda said as cobalt eyes traced the engraved lettering of Allen's name. "You're stubborn as hell, and always make things harder than they have to be…suffering for strangers and crying like a baby! So fucking complicated!"

Everyone had cried for Allen Walker, except for Kanda – he had remained the stoic Japanese male during the funeral. He hadn't wanted to shed tears – Allen had made him loose his composure and fail a mission, not to mention making his heart race and he would not allow the boy to have been the one to make him cry.

Kanda had been called heatless for his apparent lack of emotions, but how could they know of his inner turmoil. Cobalt eyes had been hardened and the scowl had been set, only Lenalee and Lavi had known Kanda was also grieving.

It had been stormy, the day they had buried him. Lenalee had begged for it to wait until the day was sunny and bright, something about feeling better about saying goodbye when things looked brighter. But it couldn't wait, there was already unrest raging in the heart of the Order and they all need some sort of closure, a sense of finality.

"Even so, you're not entirely useless," Kanda laughed despite himself. He missed Allen more than he'd ever let on. Even though Allen had taken down the Earl there were still a couple of Noah and several akuma that still had to be taken care of. Without the Earl to command them, there was no structure to their movement. Even as missions were conducted to eradicate the small pockets of akuma remaining, the darkness in the world hadn't changed – people still died and others still cried and demons were born in their souls from grief.

"I don't know if I could have loved a brat like you," Kanda said as he sat back on his knees.

"_We're destroyers not saviors, but I want to be a destroyer who saves."_

"Full of foolish ideals…" Kanda sighed as he hung his head, navy hair sliding over his shoulders and cloaking his face in shadows.

"_I'm painfully addicted to you."_

"I guess I'm addicted to you too," Kanda's whispered as silent tears trailed down his cheeks, hidden amongst the free falling raindrops.

_End_

* * *

A/N: So there it is, as promised. I don't really know if I liked how it came out or not, I just know that I'm tired as hell and have a university interview thing to go to in the morning and a hell of a lot of school work to do.

I know it was really short but I hope it conveys the sense of closure I was going for. I really only had three priorities when writing this: show how the Order found out about Allen's death, allude to the idea that just because the Earl is gone doesn't mean there won't be demons born in people, and make Kanda cry. Sorry, I couldn't help it. I know Kanda doesn't seem the type to cry over anything or anyone but I thought some silent tears would paint a pretty picture.

Anyway thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


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